mangosweet

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away..." 

Christmas, used to be my favourite time in a year. Every year we decorated Christmas trees and classrooms together, singing carols, looking forward to the cake shaped in a lamb and the Christmas show. I enjoyed the time writing cards to friends and relatives, and there was one year I had to write up to 65 cards! 
In a girls' high school, it's not likely to hear from those sisters telling the romantic story of standing under the mistletoe and be kissed. However, I was deeply charmed by the atmosphere of Christmas. Even mom put up a Christmas tree at home for me, on which I could proudly display cards I received in that year.

After entering university, I was more in touch with western literature (which includes bible), supposely I should have been more religious and appreciated Christmas a lot more?  No..it's not like that for me. Christmas in Taiwan is more like business-purpose than meaningful.
When in high school, people gathered around to celebrate Christmas regardless of whichever religion you believe. 
But when in university, Christmas becomes a time for couples to stay together. Well, it somewhat makes sense, during Christmas, people share joyful moments with beloved ones; naturally love birds would want to cuddle together to keep warm in those freezing winters.
Gradually I turned numb with Christmas,it was a day I could only kept myself company. (Living in school dorm, away from family.) Sitting in front of the monitor, I watched "Love Actually" year after year. 

Since when have I turned numb with all holidays?
Why do I unconciously suffered "Valentine spell" and never had my birthday wish guaranteed?
Where has the passionate,lively, hopeful girl gone?
Is that because people always wish for things during holidays, but I am always crossed out on all lists and forgotten ? 

Dear God, didn't I behave this year? I have been good and kind, why am I left behind?  I wish...

I wish a Merry Christmas.
  

Still remember how I sang you the happy b'day song in the phone last year. You were so flattered and surprised to hear me. And that's the day I got your phone number. 
After that you deviced a "missed call" coding system, which we competed almost everyday from then on. Most of the time I won of course, either you let me win purposely or you were forced to give in because of reaching home. 
It was because of that compeition I changed my ring tune and made you listen to my music. 
They are arranged for you, though you didn't get to hear the whole tune most of the time.

And all those bits seem so distant now, as to what is like between you and me.
I've been struggling for days whether to contact you again.
Though I know you are probably waiting to hear me singing the happy birthday song on the phone, I didn't think that's what I should do.
I've thought of recording me singing and send it to you through mobile phone, however, I didn't adopt this idea eventually.
Wearily, a text message of a few simple words was all I could do.

Happy Birthday, to you.

So I guess this is it. It's all over now. We don't even need to make an offical ending, because nobody knows me ever exisited in your world, almost. 

Goodbye -  Air Supply

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And Ill never criticize all youve ever meant to my life

I dont want to let you down
I dont want to lead you on
I dont want to hold you back
From where you might belong
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just cant live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
Theres nothing left to say but good-bye
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
Im not sure Im worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

you would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just cant live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
Theres nothing left to try
Though its gonna hurt us both
Theres no other way than to say good-bye

One week later...
How am I going to make it through?
Will I? Will I? I have to, I have to. 

I brought a lot of movies, intended to make you watch them with me.
But this one...I drew back at the last moment. 
I knew it would have been a bomb, and shattered the small world we secretly shared at that time. 

I didn't want to make your situition difficult, so I chose to give in.  
I guess it was a right decision, but why does a right decision cause so much pain? 
I could have fought, couldn't I? But I knew it was a war I fought only to lose. 
You used to whined about my willful behaviors, saying I always do what I want to do ; it's true, partially. I do what I want to do when it's something I know that's not going to affect you. If I really do what I want to do, how would I have let go of you so easily? 

After all, our story will never been seen on the big white screen, you are going to the "Jasmine" set for you, and it hurts just as bad when I had to watch you go.